June 4—Cooking a Baby Pygmy Elephant

June 4th, 2012. 4pm Nap

I’m in the UK, and I’m cooking a baby pygmy elephant on a hot non-stick griddle. The pygmy elephant calf is around the size of a small terrier and it is still alive. It’s just standing there on slices of carrot and daikon with it’s eyes closed in fear while I pour hot melted butter with a ladle around it’s legs.

I have no clue why I’m cooking it, much less why I’m cooking the creature alive and whole. I certainly don’t have the desire to eat it afterwards. It lifts its stubby pygmy elephant feet up to reduce the pain. It looks like it’s going to cry. Its trunk is curled upward, slightly singed and shriveled up from the heat. Finally it slumps over, I think just unconscious from the pain, not dead yet.

I accidentally splash hot melted butter on my foot. Scalding my left foot, and then my right foot.

Ominous level — HIGH.

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